Friday, April 07, 2017

Roller coaster ride!

Since it has been nearly a year since I posted anything here, it is probably worth noting the roller-coaster ride that I have had since then. I thought my PhD experience was not really as bad as described by my other fellow beings. When I joined in this programme 6 years ago, I did not know what I was planning to do with it (not that I really know now). One year into it went pretty fast with the aggressive coursework. The 2nd year went through with some initial experiments. The next 2.5 years went through with my mind mostly focusing on hostel and institute activities (council activities and a host of other related committees that I was part of), with PhD becoming a part time job. I now realize I probably did not know how to work while conserving my energy. There was no need to be so emotional and aggressive. Anyway, it is always easy to look back and say that. What happened was the right thing to have happened- is the only sure shot way of moving ahead in life!

When I ran out of energy at the end of it, I was left with probably the last leg of the PhD- a few experiments and then the writing up. The experiments were done in a month, but the paper writing seemed like never ending. It is hard to write what I went through next. But, I guess it might be useful for all those who face similar things. I was in a Womens day function and when I got out of it, my fingers started trembling- I had a sudden rush of negative energy/anxiety whatever you may want to call it. I was told that it is called - panic attack. I did not know what I was panicking about. I took some anti-anxiety pill, my BP was high etc., I do not want to relive the whole thing, but I want to write the positives that came out of this terrible experience. Trust me, you do not want to go through this.

I sat down to ask myself what is going on. In addition to this PhD, there were other things going on. I previously had so much energy that I was emotionally supporting a few people in distress not realizing that I had only finite energy and I can do only so much.
Lesson 1: First wear you own oxygen mask, before helping others with it. You need to be alive before you can rescue others.

I got it this sudden realisation (of course, not instantly. It was after a few weeks) that worrying about something is not going to help me solve the problem. The paper will finish when it has to, and my worrying about it will harm me mentally and physically and not help me in anyway. This was Lesson 2. Peace began to dawn on me. World began to look beautiful again, until I was in for a test again.

In this process, as I sat with myself, I began to realize some tendencies I had. I always used to repeat in my mind all the bad experiences I have had, and literally fight with the other person/situation in my own mind. Many of us do that- that is the nature of the mind. You see- that is such a funny thing. You are imagining yourself in a situation and fighting it in your own mind- which really only builds so much negativity in you and does not really solve any problem. That was Lesson 3. Say for example, you are at office and you are being treated unfairly by a colleague about whom you have high regards. You are completely shaken. If you are like me, you will fight for "the right cause". Too much of expecting things to be correct.. Unfortunately, the world is not so. People will do what they feel is right.. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I read somewhere- There is nothing you can control except your attitude towards something. That is absolutely true. How many things in this world can I control? My work, my surroundings, my friends, my boss? Yes, most of the times, you can. You can quit the job, so the surroundings and everything that comes with it will change. But when you are left with no option, the only thing you can do is to prevent it from affecting your own mind. It is no doubt tough, but it has to be done.

You can read about the issue you have, you can talk to people about it, in fact you SHOULD, you can do thousand things.. but until you have sat with yourself to ask- "What is your problem, why are you in trouble"- kind of questions and address them with a positive mindset, trust me, nothing will change. The problem in not outside, it it is one's own mind and it has to be solved using your own intellect. That was Lesson 4- and the biggest lesson.

These experiences are tough for someone who has especially not undergone really tough times in life- I mean, emotionally or mentally tough times. For whatever reason these came in, Lesson 5 was: Take the positives, forget the rest. What a ride it has been!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

1.there are things in life where one can adjust and try to change things in long-term . need not change their attitude if you are intellectually right,one can deal with anything in straightforward manner without beating around the bush.

3.after my engineering when i was new to software training,there were lot of issues and everyone used to maintain silence as they were afraid to question management.sometimes you have to wear mask like superman or spiderman to deal wrong things in society.this will protect you and at the same time you can set things right as anonymous by writing deadly reviews and feedback.people are scared to commit mistake or to indulge in improper procedures cuz i made them realise that there is someone who can cause greater damage to their image/brand/organisation.till date i did not leave single wrongdoer in every aspect of life.

4.just wear a mask and punch them hard with all the rationality and intellect.i don't get sleep if i don't set things right or if i don't try every option that is available in cyber world to deal with people and organisations.these days we don't deal with people or organisations physically,its cyberwarfare.

5.if i don't deal with people the way i want,i don't find peace,when you don't find inner peace,you think a lot and you will end up with a solution to do the way you want.i always believe in greater magnitude of wisdom which influences nature beyond all limitations.ALWAYS BELIEVE IN FLAWLESS MIND.THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS WORLD BEYOND FLAWLESS MIND.